This BLISS. This FREEDOM

Assalamulaikum

I always think that i know who really am i, but i actually don't. Once something fell apart, the beast or the beggar came out out of nowhere. I beastly furious and blame everything. Or i beg that thing just stop from ripping what's left of me that is already fragile.

I was so proud once. I was so proud that i got good grades, Dean's List, Best Students. I accustomed to be the intelligent student. I thought being a good student is making me happy, making me the one i've always wanted. Until i was no longer a good student.

I have lost motivation for 2 years. I have no interest in living the adventurous life i once teenage-dreamed, i just surviving. I have no interest in exploring new things or read new knowledge. I have no longer pushed myself to do my best.

All is just because i am no longer a good student. 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Today , something snapped out of me. Is this what i always wanted to be? Is this all of it, the complex system that is making me a person, is just a system of wanting to be a good student ? 

So who am i ?

All the virtues that i act, the belief that i hold, the way i treat people, the way i perceive tests, types of food that i consume, things that i love, stuffs that can make me cry or laugh, things that are in my head, my religion, my family,

are actually AUTHENTICALLY ......ME .

Why does not being a good student is ripping so much of my time , my energy, my self-esteem,  my confidence, my pleasure, my enjoyment, my LIFE ??

Since when it has power over me ?  Who gave the permission to rip me so bad that i felt so damn empty for few years ??

I was so blind. I was so damn blind. I could not open my eyes, my ears , my heart to all of the merriment, contentment and joy.

I was shallow.

Now i have awake

I have woken up in this bliss.

I know the truth now.

Be careful of what and who u give power to.

In this indecent world, where authorities are held by pigs, u are a prisoner, a victim. 

UNLESS U GIVE POWER TO YOURSELF. 

HOLD IT AND WEAR IT LIKE AN ARMOUR.

You don't live anyone's life and they don't live yours.

U HAVE THIS POWER TO MOVE THE WORLD AROUND U. It's in your head. 

The key is your MIND

Rasa macam satu beban lepas dari dada aku. Rasa macam satu penjara dah terbuka. Rasa cam hijab terbuka. Tak tau macam mana nak explain benda ni.

Aku rasa .......merdeka .

Wassalam

- pis is taken from here -

I read this 

I snapped

I bestir

=)

Of Strained Chest Muscle and Sudden Realization

Assalamulaikum

Semalam terbangun pukul 3 pagi. Bahagian sternum and perut rasa sakit sangat. So i thought it was gastric. I made nestum, angin je keluar. Still sakit. I made another glass of milo. Rasa mual. Ingatkan sebab makan nasi lambat sangat hari tu. Then i took MgTrisilicate tablets 2 biji, and sambung tido.

Bangun je tido, ya Allah rasa bertambah sakit. Nak jalan pun sakit. Aku rasa suffocated so aku tak pergi kelas pukul 7 pagi tu. Aku try relax2 and maen laptop. Aku buat bubur then aku makan ranitidine sebijik. Still ubat tak jalan. 

Aku tak tahan rasa sakit tu. I pelik dah asal tak hilang2 then sampai susah nafas. Aku paranoid " eh aku sakit dada ke?". Even tak bole jalan sangat, aku decided kuatkan jugak diri, paksa diri mandi and pergi klinik. Sampai je klinik air mata aku nak menitis cerita kat doc tu. Then doc buat Electrocardiogram kat aku. Normal. Fuuhh Alhamdulillah loga den. Yang penting jantung kurniaan Allah swt ni. 

Doc diagnose aku, just 'strained chest muscle'. Doc cakap sebab aku exhausted or stress. Nampak tak nape aku tak bagi junior masuk ITB ?  Pastu maybe sebab dia kesian tengok muka aku cam acah2 nangis tu dia bagi la MC 2 hari. Balik je klinik terus aku pergi gerai nak makan sebab tak sabar nak telan ubat. Aku makan nasi 5 suap then telan all ubat. Sampai bilik boom baring. Sejam lepas tu, agony aku hilang dah. LOGA DEN ~ ~

Alhamdulillah

Malam lapar tapi taktau dinner apa. Oleh sebab aku dah 2-3 kali perut berangin jugak kat kosan baru aku ni, aku cam trauma ckit. Kalau ada rasa lapar cikit je, aku terus makan. Aku takde selera nak makan nasi, so aku goreng ayamas tu 3 ketul, telur sbiji and roti nan satu. Dikupas jugak buah mangga satu bagi pengganti jajan yang banyak MSG.

Aku letak je pinggan atas meja, aku rasa nak nangis. Aku terharu giler. Aku rasa macam kaya sangat. Malam ni aku dapat makan dinner yang mengeyangkan, buah yang juicy and manis, dan easy access to ubat-ubatan tatkala kesakitan. Aku rasa sangat2 beruntung2 aku dikurniakan semua ni. Cuba imagine kalau orang homeless tu strained muscle cam aku, dia mana mampu pergi clinic buat ECG. Imagine dia terpaksa tanggung je sakit tu sorang2 takde sape peduli lapar ke sejuk ke.

Alhamdulillah, kesakitan aku dah dihapuskan dan  perut aku dapat diisi. Tak tau camne nak explain perasaan terharu ni. Rasa untung sesangat. Rasa bersyukur. Aku tak layak langsung nak complain apa2 lagi kat dunia . Aku rasa lepas ni kalau ada aku mengeluh lagi, keluar la satu tangan halimunan tampar aku ni.

Korang kalau ada bumbung atas kepala korang, perut masih bole kenyang, badan masih sihat, sedarlan korang ni lebih kaya dari most people on this Earth. Jangan la komplain baju or tudung tak cukup or tak matching ke, handphone bukan the latest one ke, takde orang like pic insta ke, kulit korang tak gebu ke. Dunia semua tu, Ada benda nak makan tu pun seriously korang kena bersyukur.

TERHARU NYA

Syukur nya dengan rezeki Allah ni 

( T______T )

Wassalam

IT

Assalamulaikum

How can we leave something that we are addicted to ?

That is so harming

So sinful

It filled the empty holes of yours

But its not real

It blackens what supposed to be pure

It cured your longings

But just like a drug,

it consumed u

I have been dragging this for 5 years

I dont know how to stop this

People are so stereotype that i got bored with people

I got bored communicating

I got bored socializing

I even hate sunlight for sometimes

I depend on  'ít' to be my friend

the one and only

who doesn't judge

and keep on listening

the bad stuffs, the evil version of me

my flaws

It loves me

And i love it too

But deep down

I know this is wrong

Allah will burn me in Hell to purify me from this sin

Before i can enter heaven

That's His promise

I know He keeps on telling me to come back to Him

I can feel like He's telling me,

"Im the one who can cure U"

But His Words is in Quran

Not in me yet

I cant feel His words all the time

But i can get this instant 'euphoric'feeling from it whenever i want to

Leaving it will be such an agony

The minimum would be 3 years

But the agony from burning in Hell would be much longer and more painful right ?

(-____-)

Wassalam

Sebagai petunjuk .....

Assalamualaikum

Quick update..bila tengok bangsa lain gaduh kan, seriously memang bersyukur gila2 aku ni Islam. Sebab dalam Islam dia dah ajar sabar, yang ujian datang kalau kita bersabar, dapat pahala...tentang bahaya and dosa fitnah, tentang jaga aib muka orang.

Bila datang ujian, kalau kita bersabar, pahala tinggi, and kita berjaya dengan ujian Allah. Kalau kita mati, kita syahid. Either way, Islam dah janji Muslim mesti menang.

Thats why Muslim ni sifat negotiate dia tinggi. Sifat sabar dan lembut, itu dah diajar dari kecil lagi.

So time2 camni memang aku bersyukur Allah pilih aku as a Muslim. Sebab Islam tu sememangnya PETUNJUK.

Petunjuk camne nak hidup,

Petunjuk camne nak jadi orang,

Petunjuk camne nak menang.

Insya Allah

=D

Wassalam

Everything

Assalamulaikum

Sejak delete social media  ni,

rasa peaceful giler

Dah tak rasa marah2 , dah x rasa annoying

Dah tak mempersoal kan apsal manusia perangai pelik2 mcm takde tuhan

macam takde tujuan

macam tak mati je besok 

So aku pun pegi tumpu kat benda lain

Which i think helped me a lot, on 

stuffs that REALLY MATTERS

So, through out this process, 

i learn many stuffs,

& banyak kali rasa malu sebab dah umur 23 tahun ni

banyak benda aku jahil

Nak tanya, korang rasa umur 23 tahun ni x agak tua ke nak tau everything

or too young to know everything ?

I feel like i want to know everything now

NOW

But, HOW.......?

-Keep on reading everyone !!!-

Wassalam

Random3

Assalamulaikum

"Kemarahan yang datang secara tiba2 punca nya dari syaitan ...Dan kemarahan biasanya  berakhir dengan malu..."

"Hijab di antara kecantikan , pangkat &  kuasa dengan realiti yang hakiki ( akhirat) hanya senipis kulit bawang. Apabila nyawa diambil, baru kita tersedar, " Aku bermimpi rupanya.."

.......................................................................................

Something that I read yg bwat aku tkesan sikit....

Thinkin of deleting all my social media except blog...

So smile & think

Salam

Juz smile & think..my new motto

Seeing people with different attitudes & views..sometimes juz brilliant and sometimes mere stupidity...put urself in their shoes & compare with urs. So smile &think..

Seeing people so arrogantly , pleasing themselves bcoz they juz have the money , the power..And people who cover themselves with purdah, niqab &socks but prefer to hate & make distance from 'that' kind of people...so smile & think..

Seeing people so loud in da name of justice...and some people steal for a day of survival...so smile and think...

Seeing them frown & whine for things they couldnt get...seeing parents annoyance but actually devastated coz couldnt fill their children's need..so smile & think

Seeing u getting married, with ur beloved hubby in ur arms, saying im too liberal when i said i dun blieve in early marriage...seeing her crying her heart out , her hubby made her bankrupt , made her child starved, bald, no money, no house & no one to depend on ..live with regret and she hold my hands " get a lot of money, buy a house & cars, then get married. Dont repeat the same things i did..TRUST A MAN". So smile & think...

So smile & think...

Wassalam

Mahasiswa Farmasi Institut Teknologi Bandung-to-be.

salam

to my junior-to-be, 

if u wanna continue your study in ITB,
(Pharmacy field only )
especially from diploma,
foundation or SPM pun boleh saja, 

& have a lot of questions,

plus doubt,

Feel free to ask me,

coz i know what uncertainty feels like.

Juz message. Friend request tamo3x

This is my FB link

- saya comel lagi bijak

Soalan yang akan dilayan hanya lah tentang ITB

Yang laen, hareemm ~ ~ 

-juz wanna let u guys see what ur going to face in ITB-

- & ni baru TERLAMPAU SIKIT -

papai.

wassalam

EMO 1#

salam

Pernah x rasa macam ni? U felt like u wanna change the world. Poverty, war, politics etc. U became so highly ambitious and u thought everything is possible.

But come on, as u grew up, the reality hits u. U definitely CANT.

A medical student thinks she/he can make some a miracle , mayB find a cure for cancer

A pharmacy student thinks she/he can do greatness, mayB create antiviral for HIV

A politician thinks she/he can stop the war

An activities thinks she/he can stop racism

U CANT

No, im not being so negative, but come on, even Albert Einsten was a divorcee, even Morsi was arrested, even Bill Clinton who once the most powerful man on earth was a sex maniac, even Nelson Mandela was imprisoned,  even Suu Kyi until now is not a free woman, even Ahmadinejad is a Syiah believer, how can normal people like u or me can change the world ?

U wanna end the world hunger, but u still make loan from bank/ptpn/mara . U wanna stop the war, its Jews who conquer the world now. U wanna stop racism, u juz...cant.

And what angers me the most is the IGNORANT .

We care so much bout this world. We wanna change it but we juz cant. We dont have the money, the Power.

But how bout you ??

So effing busy with all your s**t, thats actually bring NOTHING GOOD to others. 

#rasa EMO sangat ni kenapa ?? 

-look into the future-

-( Galway, Ireland )-

 

To all Ignorant,

Sila bukak mata,

bukak minda, 

banyakkan membaca,

& pandang jaoooohhhh ke hadapan

semoga hidup dengan 

minda yang x sempit

wassalam

Some men are just plain stupid

salam

It takes no slutty-experiences to detect kaki pompuan. All u need is BRAIN. Feelings ? Those are juz u being horny after watching Edward Cullen's desperation to keep Bella alive.

So juz like u, i had message with guys, not many, but still got numbers. I did that bcoz i was curious about the 'kapel2' thang & also bcoz of the uncontrollable teenage hormone. Blame the anatomy. Not Greys Anatomy, McDreamy is not dreaaammyyy at all.

Luckily, i was intelligent enough ( ehem ) to utilize my brain and did successful scanning of 'kaki pompuan'.

Easy peasy but not cheezy.

Yang paling top dalam senarai ' The CHEAPEST TACTIC EVA ' :-

* kejap ye awak, saya nak solat

* sori lmbat, pegi mengaji tadi

* isshh, awak jangan balik lambat sangat tau, risau saya. 

* saya sayang awak cam saya sayang adik pompuan saya

* x chat ngan boyfren ke ?

* saya x pandai, x hensem, x kaya

I get that a lot. Then they wont hear a thing from me eva. Kalo betul ko mngaji or solat n stuffs, ko xkan message2 + flirt ngan strangers. Please jangan gunakan agama untuk nafsu kau. Aku pelik la camne ada girl yang bole fell to this cheap tactic.

So dipendekkan cerita, my love one just had her first boyfriend. I dont mind really but she had my suspicious instinct aroused when she told me her 'boyfren' semalam dompet hilang, so lapar n gastrik, then the next morning she bought him McD.

ITS BULLS**T. Dompet kau hilang, x pergi report polis, siap boleh lak cakap IC & LESEN MEMANDU je yang x hilang ( bende paling penting dalam dompet ), pastu mintak pompuan belanja McD ?? Ma love jugak cerita laki ni selalu minx pompuan je kol, laki tu jarang kol.

Owh, i know this type of guy very3 well. He is 'Kaki SPEDO' . Dia yang romatik akan kikis duit kau sampai ko terbelelek jatuh miskin. Then he will leave u like a speed of lightning.  Pompuan ni pemuas nafsu die je.

 

 

 

Silap ma love one gak, terlalu percaya kat lelaki yg die baru kenal 2 minggu kt WeChat ( Lisa Surihani x terlibat tau ) . Aku xnak buat die terasa yang aku x approve tapi stil; marah aku meluap2, so aku mintak permission si love one untuk 'uji' this kaki spedo.

& may i say some men are just plain stupid .

 

It was sooooo damn easy.  

 

Inferents : That spedo is juz playin with her. 

Hypothesis : The greater the money & lust are offered, the greater the speed spedo will dumb her

Materials  : 1. Wechat profile pic yang gedik

                  2. Message2 yang flirty , gedik, n alluring.

Method : 

-Add spedo kt wechat

-Gedik2 x igt dunia

-Berlagak cam orang kaya

- Sampai spedo kuar kan statement :-

     " Eyy, mana ada gurlfren la"

     " Saya chat ngan awk sorg je"

     " Belanja saya besok "

     " I love u  "

-spedo ajak dating

-bye spedo

Results:-

 One hour:-

Mintak gmbar aku

 

Two hours :;

" I chat u sorang je. I x pandai la message2 ngan pompuan' " I xde gurlfren la "

 

Three hours  :

" Jom la support i sabtu ni. I maen untuk Malaysia. Petang i jemput. nanti kte balik sama2"

" I nak show off kat kawan2 i . Ingat dioarang je ke yang ada girlfren" 

" I love u "

 

One day :

" Belanja saya besok " ( aku gtau aku keje kat butik & agak masyuk )

" U pakai nombor apa ? " ( suruh aku kol )"

BLOCKED at WeChat. BYE SPEDO

 

Results: Spedo is PROVEN SPEDO !

He was juz playin with her n her money. Nasib baek la die x slut, kalo x dah hilang maruah dah ( yes that guy did offer smthin ) 

Its EASIER than i thought. Aku target 2 minggu untuk mission ni, tapi dia panggil aku 'gurlfren' die within TWO FREAKIN DAYS.  Nampak bonar x ikhlas. Penipu.

Taruk gambar hot sikit, gedik2 sikit, blakon cam cheap bimbo sikit, dah meleleh. Ur so easy so & so plain stupid, spedo.

Womens' heart are not meant to be played. Yes, u did it, berjaya mainkan entah bape ramai la pompuan, aku tak tau. Tapi kau x pikir one day anak kau akan kena maen gak .

She seemed hurt, kinda. Nampak la termenung2 . But she will move on. 

 

N please to XX genes, please play HARD TO GET. Jangan la murah sangat. Maruah tu rendah sangat ke ? Jangan mudah dipermainkan. 

 

RAISE YOUR STANDARD.

 

 

 

 till then

wassalam

Read, Books & ILmu

salam

 

When i was kid ( until now) , i love to read. But the type of book that i chose to read when i had not reached my puberty yet was out of my age limit. These kind of book ( that i remember) :-

1) Kitab2 Perubatan di Zaman Rasulullah s.a.w

2) Kisah2 Wali Allah

3) Teori Big Bang menurut Al-Quran

4) Novel Ahadiat Aqasyah (read only two then was banned by my dad )

 

and many2 more.

 

I reached puberty at kinda early age because my mom said i read those kind of books. =P

 

Now, rumah sekarang baru je habis renovate, so aku kena susun semua buku2 ( abah's especially), & seriously rumah aku dah macam mini library. When i was looking at all the books, "Patut la Abah tahu semua benda ". Ko cakap je buku apa yang abah ada :-  Agama,  Motivation, NLP, Law, War, History, Medicine, Anatomy, Finance, Universe, Astronomy, Politics, Theory & Conspiracies, Landscape, Architecture, MLM n etc. Bole kata hampir semua la.

& i realized one thing, " When did i stop reading the books that out of my age limit ?"

Yes, i stopped when i reached teenager. Masa dah masuk high school, i read the love story novels. Novel Melayu , English , semua la.  Yup, da cheesy & cliche storyline. Dah la ada 18sx, ish3 ( English Novel without the 18sx? RARE !  )

Then , i started again, READ. Habis je baca satu buku , aku bercerita kt abah  & abah akan eloborate lagi or betulkan mana tanggapan yang salah.

& it made me realize, sebenarnya ORANG YANG RASA DIA PANDAI , TERSANGATLA BODOH.
Bodoh sombong.

Banyak lagi ilmu kat dunia ni, kau baru kuasai satu jenis ilmu & dapat Dean's List & sebagai nya , rasa diri sangat pandai bukan ? Ko baru khatam Quran , bangun solat malam & pikir dah dekat dengan Dia ?

In my opinion, actually x bagus la baca novel2 cinta ni . This kind of novel make girls ( ade ke guys yang baca love novels ? ) are not in the shoes of reality. Love novels buat orang berangan2 menanti  ' imam '2 mereka muncul dengan Mercedes or BMW  ( selalu novel melayu mesti hero dia anak Dato') & tersenyum sorang2. 

But this is just my opinion, no offense .

So, READ. 

Coz reading makes life easier when ur not stupid. Hah, kidding ! 

READ, 

IT CHANGES U

wassalam

Are you JEALOUS ?

salam

I have to admit, 

that i am a VERY JEALOUS type of person

Yup3, seriously. Aku seorang yang kuat cemburu. Ala, bukan tipikal jelez boipren gilpren tu, apa barang? ( Mafia is loyal, dats why =) ). JEALOUS yang camni:-

Situations :-

1) Bukak fb, nmpak status kawan, " Finally reached Egypt. Medicine, here i come"

JEALOUS.

Oversea. Medicine. Ye laaaa....

2) Fb again, someone else's status , " Dah masuk account ! Thanx MARA ! "

JEALOUS

Scholarship. Ye laaaa

3) Fb ( eh, lagi senang sume dari FB lah ! )  ," Fun with gurlfreeeeeennnnnnn "

JEALOUS

Ader BFF. Untung la.......

4) FB , nmpak bezfren kita post kat wall kawan laen yang kita x bape ske, " Weyh, upload la gambar kita g Sunway Lagoon aritu ".

JEALOUS

Ye la, x ajak orang.......

And banyak ag contoh la. But u get my point rite ? I used to have issue with le self-esteem, like, really big issue. Then Alhamdulillah, i realized , skin and flesh dont define me. Whats in me is bigger than the surface. Then i discovered my talents n i recovered from that =) .

But, da monster somehow still in me, lingering n whispering the words of evil, " U are not good enough, u are not as good as her, u are bleyh bleyh bleyh ...." etc

So, dis monster is often be stimulated n provoked by status2 facebook seperti yang tertera di atas. Aku rasa jealous sangat2 bila orang laen lebih dari aku. Tapi jealous2 aku pun, aku x pernah la jatuh kan orang tu, bcoz jatuhkan orang shows how ugly u are, xnak berusaha tapi sakit hati bila orang laen lbeyh ( pengalaman : tipikal malay ).

So,i  found this method ( by myself ) that i've been doing for few months now. Here it goes:-

Kalau kau rasa jelez sangat2 dekat someone, sampai kadang2 rasa x bole dibendung n wish they werent granted with many good things, try these:-

• feel happy for them
• kalau nampak status2 kawan yang camtu, comment @  wish them benda yang baek2 n show u are happy for them. Ex :  - CONGRATZ !    - Wahh, terer !    - wahh, bez x g sunway lagoon ??              - Egyypptt?? Wah, congratz ! Gudluck tau kat sana !
• letak la smiley face or emoticon what so eva , eg : =)        (^0^)       =P

N believe me, bila korang buat camtu, IKHLAS tu akan lahir dengan sendiri nya. Automatic korang betul2 rasa hepi untuk diorang, n eventually korang dah TAK JELES . Juz pure sincerity .

Yup, aku memang cepat jeles, n i have been doing dis for sometime, n Alhamdulillh , IT WORKS !!! Saya saya saya rasa hepi angat2 untuk awak. Ihik3. N i must work hard to reach my dream juz like u reached yours ( N yes, they might inspire you  (^____^)     ) . N u will make peace to inner you

Hahah. Try it, n insyaAllah, it will works.


Ke aku sorang je yang ader masalah ni, syok sindri weyh !! Hua3. Anyway, juz some tips from me.

Till then, 

wassalam

I See ....

slm

i see THINGS ...

things like :-

1. even u are da most intelligent person in da world,

klo akhlak buruk, 

x jadi ORANG, 

x guna gak...

2. How some people are juz obsess

with things yg x menolong kita kt akhirat nnt...

3. How people changes through ages...

Aging is not maturating, 

bcoz some became a JERK hole..

4. How people lies,

& idiotly how people can trust da lie

5. & how people desperately, fighting, for LIFE...

- i want to B dis gurl again -

I ,

Floating..

aint no feet on ground,

bare hearted,

flaring spirit,

looking blankly..

wsslm